Raw Emotions
by aomurasakiai
Summary: [{(COMPLETE)}] Duo doesn't want to pursue the growing relationship between him and Heero. Why? Heero wants to find out.


Author:  aomurasakiai

Warnings:  AU (post-EW), Shounen ai, angst

Pairings:  1+2/2+1

Spoilers:  Slight for series and Endless Waltz

Rating:  PG

Dedication:  Sharon and to wish her a successful final Moments of Rapture contest!

Song: "Dui Bat Hei, Ngoh Ngoi Nei (Sorry, I Love You)" by Leon Lai

Songfic Notes:

[Cantonese song lyrics]  
(English translation)

Raw Emotions (1/1) 

"Heero?  Heero, are you okay?  Wake up please…"

The ex-pilot of 01 groaned softly as he felt a delicate hand on his shoulder, shaking him.  He slowly opened his eyes to encounter a white ceiling, which was soon blocked by one Relena Darlian.  Relief and joy lit up her face momentarily before her lips trembled.

"Heero…" she said on the verge of crying.  "Are you okay?  How do you feel?"  Heero could only blink slowly as he tried to remember what had happened.  He recalled targeting Mariemaia's underground stronghold, succeeding in breaking through the defense systems, and… killing her?  His memories were in such disarray that it was difficult to focus between one scene and the next.

"I'm okay…" he managed to get out.  Relena smiled through her tears.

"I'm so glad Heero.  I thought that I was going to lose you," she said sobbing.  It was then that the Japanese teen realized that his hand was firmly grasped between hers.  Uncomfortable with the intimate contact, he tried to free it but couldn't, as he was still weak with fatigue from the last battle.

"Miss Darlian?"  Relena looked up at the nurse who just came in with the doctor.  "Could you please leave for a moment so the doctor may examine the patient?"  The young girl nodded.

"I will be back," she said, giving his hand one last squeeze before exiting.  Heero sighed as the doctor began his examination.  He was still trying to make sense of what happened after his fight with Wufei and failed.  He couldn't focus.  But, one thing kept nagging him… he hoped that Duo was okay.  That punch he delivered to the braided teen wasn't nearly as light as the one he'd received.  He and Duo had spent the most time together during the 2 wars, so naturally their relationship was much stronger compared to the others.

Despite what the Perfect Soldier said, deep inside, the part that was Heero Yuy said that Duo Maxwell could be trusted…

Soon the doctor was finished and Relena came rushing back in.  After hearing the good news of Heero's quick recovery, she smiled and hugged the silent boy in joy.  Still deep in thought, Heero didn't try to stop her.

~*~*~*~*~

A few days passed and each day was as monotonous as the next.  Relena would always come early in the morning, waking him with the slightest noise.  Coupled with the fact that she never left his side until late at night, way past visiting hours, he *almost* began to curse his soldier instincts and alertness.  Heero knew that if this kept up, he wouldn't get the amount of rest he needed for recovery.

Finally after a week and a half, she left him to attend an important meeting with the other ESUN representatives that was to last several days.  Now that the wars were finally over, they had much to discuss in relation to the peace that was coming.  Heero could only sigh inwardly with relief.  However, now that she was gone he began to contemplate something that he'd never had a chance to.

_//'Heero… would you like to come home with me?'//_

Relena had asked him that every single night.  If she'd asked him a year ago, he was sure that he would have been tempted to agree.  He had wanted a place to call home ever since the beginning of the first Eve Wars when he and Duo had completed a mission together…

_//"Enemy attack!" At the cry of alarm, soldiers began running to the site of the explosion.  Heero waited patiently as two unsuspecting mechanics walked forth, his cobalt blue eyes narrowing when they stopped, seemingly confused._

_"Did someone say enemy attack?" the one on the left asked.  Seeing his chance, Heero jumped down and with a quick chop to the side of their heads, they fell unconscious.  The young Japanese looked up at the cargo plane that was perfect for his escape.  He just needed to make sure everything was in working order before loading up his Gundam._

_Once inside the cockpit he flipped the switches and was satisfied as each indicated green… until the last one, which flashed red._

_"Who's back there?" he asked out loud and ran to the freight compartment, his gun drawn.  When he opened the door, he saw another Gundam… the black one that belonged to…_

_"It's him…" he whispered, his gun aiming for the cockpit just in case a different person came out. But sure enough, a black clad teen leapt from the Gundam and looked up, smiling at him._

_"Yo!" he greeted.  "You should load up yours, too.  I'll take over the cockpit," he offered, running towards him.  Heero's mind screamed at him, saying that the teen could not be trusted.  He raised his gun._

_"Duo…" he said firmly.  The boy stopped but said something unexpected._

_"We don't want to screw up this mission, do we?  Leave it to me!"  Despite what Heero felt about Duo, he knew that the mission was more important and he couldn't do it alone.  Eliminating the OZ leaders was not a one-man job by his calculations.  He had to trust him… even though he didn't want to._

_"Do whatever you want," Heero said.  He ran off to load up his own Gundam and missed Duo's soft voice._

_"That guy… he finally remembers my name."_

_~*~*~*~*~_

_Duo pulled out of the hangar with the soldiers firing away at them.  Heero had his arms crossed, a sign that he at least trusted the other's piloting skills.  But it didn't stop him from watching the braided boy from the corner of his eyes.  When they were hundreds of feet in the air, Duo finally spoke._

_"This is going to be a great mission."  Heero turned to look at him._

_"Do you really know the importance of this mission?"  Duo met Heero's gaze._

_"Of course, I do.  This is going to be our best opportunity to destroy OZ once and for all."  Heero turned his attention back to the front, satisfied knowing that Duo wasn't just fooling around._

_"This is unlike anything we've done so far.  We can terminate the heads of OZ all together."_

"Right… And then we'll be able to go home…// 

Heero had been so envious that day.  Despite the fact that Duo said "we", he knew that it was only Duo who had a place to go back to… he didn't have anywhere.  He didn't want to admit it, but he was afraid that when the wars finally ended no one and nothing would be expecting him to return… not even space.  Now he had a chance to go *somewhere* with Relena and yet… somehow it just wasn't enough anymore.

He drifted off to sleep… his thoughts on a certain braided American.

~~~Few hours later~~~

A soft knock on the door aroused Heero from his light slumber.  When it began to open, he sat up a bit, wondering who it could be while unconsciously praying that it wasn't Relena.  Violet eyes peeked inside the room.

"Hey Heero," came a quiet voice.

//Duo…// Heero pushed himself back against the headboard and the braided boy came forth, helping with his pillows.  Once settled, Duo pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bed.

"So, how're you doing?  I would have visited earlier but… I think ojou-san didn't want anyone to interrupt 'her time' with you, " Duo said with a light laugh, trying to lift the mood.  Heero blinked in confusion.  Had Relena refused him of all other visitors throughout their time together?  Heero shook his head since he knew how influential and persuading she could be.  Duo, however, forced a smile at Heero's verbal unresponsiveness.

"Yeah well… I'm glad you're doing okay," he continued, in that slightly dejected voice.

"What are you doing here, Duo?"  Heero inwardly cringed at how that came out.

"Hey now, can't I visit my buddy whenever I want?" Duo laughed again before his face turned serious.  "Listen Heero… I'm going back to space tonight and I just wanted to see everyone before I do, you know?  I mean, who knows when we'll be together again, right?"

Heero stared at the boy before him in mild shock.  Even with Duo's bowed head, he could see the other's eyes reflect a hint of sadness.

"I was hoping… to spend the most of the time with you," the braided boy whispered.  Cobalt blue eyes widened but before the Japanese teen could react, he was pulled into a loose embrace.  The scent that was uniquely Duo surrounded him, relaxing him as he subconsciously thought that this was much different from Relena's initiated hugs.

Heero could feel Duo's arms around him, so close and comforting.  Duo's hands, one near the middle of his back and the other on his nape, sending tingles through his body.  Duo's soft chestnut hair on his cheek, the silkiness caressing his skin.  He felt safe… and happy.

He felt so…

Duo pulled back.

…Cold.  Heero jerked up at the abrupt separation to see Duo give a small smile at him and nodded before getting up to leave.  Without thinking, he reached out and grabbed onto the American's wrist.  Duo froze.

"H-Heero…"

The Japanese teen didn't want Duo to leave… to leave him.  After that warm embrace with the braided boy, it now frightened him to part after being together for so long.  Somehow it just seemed so final this time.  He tried to work around the lump in his throat but when nothing came out he just pulled the braided boy closer to him.

[doh moh seung yung suet wa lau jue nei]  
(I really want to use words to keep you with me)

"Duo…" Heero just whispered before returning the hug with one of his own, just wanting the other close to him.  Duo tensed a bit before relaxing, bringing up his own arms, and tightening the hold.  He could detect the messy haired boy's scent despite all the hospital smells within the room.

//Heero…// He wanted to say so much.

"You're the best partner… and friend I've ever had Heero," Duo settled on.  He swallowed hard as he couldn't voice what he *really* wanted to say.

[sam jung seung suet yat sang ji jung do ji ngoi nei]  
(In my heart I wanted to say that in my whole life I only love you)

Closing his eyes, Duo's mind drifted into the past… of Solo, Father Maxwell, and Sister Helen… the 3 people who had meant so much to him.  But still, each one had left him so early in his life.  And now, Heero… when he thought that the Japanese pilot would die time after time, from his self-detonation to the obliteration of Libra to the destruction of Mariemaia's underground *fortress*.  He never did but somehow came back, seemingly revived after every battle.  Could he really…?

Heero has Solo's determination, Father Maxwell's steadfastness, and Sister Helen's composure.  He *was* his past… and his present… but Duo knew that he could never be his future, no matter how much he hoped.

[wai hoh wun liu dui bat hei]  
(but instead the word "sorry" was exchanged for)

Duo pulled away again.

"S-sorry," he stammered out.  "I have to go."  He quickly got up from the chair and left the room, shutting the door behind him.  Leaning against it and inhaling a trembling breath, he told himself that he'd done the right thing.  He couldn't afford to be too attached to the other or… it would hurt more in the future when Heero really left him.  This budding relationship between himself and the Japanese boy needed to stop before it was too late.

He did not want to walk away but… he must.

~~~Later that night~~~

Duo fiddled with the strap of his duffel bag as he waited for the announcement for his flight back to L2.  He sighed deeply as he thought back to Heero, beginning to feel regret in his decision.

[gam tin fan sau jeung ngoh yuen chuen foo nei]  
(Today our breaking up seems like it is all my fault)

But he didn't have any other choice.  He didn't want to be hurt again…  But then again why did running away seem hurt even worse?

~~~Hospital~~~

Heero sat upright in his hospital bed, staring blankly at the opposite wall.  He hadn't moved since Duo left; the only thing that he did do was request that Relena Darlian be kept from visiting him.  He just couldn't handle her at the moment.  He closed his eyes and thought back to his partner… and friend.

He was getting mixed feelings.  Duo seemed like he couldn't get out of the room fast enough… like he wanted to get away from him.  But why had he held him so… tenderly?  Heero knew something was wrong.  Duo was trying to run away.  And most likely he was going to hide in space.  The Japanese boy gripped the blankets tightly.

He wouldn't let that happen.

~~~Shuttle to L2~~~

Duo squirmed in his seat, trying to settle down.  His thoughts kept wandering back to the unruly haired teen and his heart ached.  It was the last time he would see the other ex-pilot… he just couldn't afford to see him again.  He glanced out the window as the shuttle took off and immediately spotted the hospital where he knew Heero was lying recovering.  Pain flared up again when he saw it getting smaller and smaller.

[je seung tung paan mong hing mei]  
(The pain that exists, I hope it is very little)

Duo looked sadly away from the window before the white hospital was completely out of sight.

//I hope you have a good life without me Heero…//

[mong nei jim mong gei]  
(and I hope you will gradually forget)

~~~Few weeks later~~~

"Duo… where are you?" Heero asked for the umpteenth time that day.  Ever since Duo had left, the Japanese teen had been searching for him, spending countless hours on his laptop that he'd requested the other ex-pilots to retrieve.  But they didn't try to help him in his search for the missing braided teen for they believed that Duo was trying to sort things out for himself and it was best to leave him alone.

But Heero didn't want to believe that.  When he was released from the hospital, he had traveled to L2, since it seemed like the most likely place for Duo to go to.  Now, he was currently residing in a fairly decent hotel, trying to find the one boy he wanted to be with.  So far nothing had come up and he was starting to fear that he might not find him, for Duo was a master at hiding.

He sighed as he sat back on his chair, his laptop continuing the search for Duo.

[ngoh mooi yat ya seung jeuk nei]  
(Each day I will think of you)

Heero opened his eyes slowly and realized that it was dark.  He jumped a bit when he heard the clock chime 2.

"K'so…" he cursed as he stretched to relieve the kinks in his body from sleeping upright on a hard chair.  Glancing over at the laptop he saw that his search had turned out to be unsuccessful.  He lowered his eyes in disappointment before steeling them.

//I won't give up… Duo// he thought to himself before he got up.  Turning off the light, he moved to close the long curtains that were draped over the windows overlooking the streets.  Not many people were out at this time of night so when he saw movement near the street corner, he glanced curiously.  Even with the dim lamps lining the streets, it was still incredibly dark and coupled with the fact that the wandering figure wore black he nearly missed the trailing… chestnut braid…

Cobalt blue eyes widened and he was out the door in a matter of seconds.  He decided not to chance the elevators for he didn't know if they were operational in the early morning hours, so he almost tumbled down the stairs in his haste to get to ground level.  Not caring if he was breaking curfew, or if there even was one, he ran down the street to the place where he'd seen the braided person.  Looking around wildly and frantically, he couldn't spot anyone.

//Duo… I know he…// Running silently a little farther, he barely made out a moving silhouette by an alleyway.  His heart pounded in his chest as he came up behind the person and grabbed a sinewy arm.

"Hey wha-" Heero found himself staring into shocked violet eyes.

"H-Heero?!"

"Duo… so you are here," Heero said softly with a hint of happiness.  However, the braided boy tried to break away from him so he tightened his grip on the arm.

"Let me go Heero."  The Japanese teen blinked in surprise and grabbed the other arm as well, forcing Duo to face him.

"Why?  What's wrong?" Duo twisted in Heero's firm grasp.

"Just let me go.  Why did you come here anyway?" Duo asked, slightly irritated.

"I've been searching for you ever since I was released from the hospital.  Now that I've finally found you, you're trying to run away again.  Why Duo?"

"Y… You wouldn't understand." Heero frowned at the response.

"I don't understand now.  Even though you always say that you can run and hide, never have I seen you so afraid.  What are you scared of Duo?"  Heero grew desperate and without thinking, he pulled Duo close, their faces inches apart.

"Is it me?  Are you trying to avoid me?"

"NO!" Duo yelled out, pushing the other away.

"Just leave me alone Heero," he choked out before turning and running down the dark street.  Heero watched the trailing braid until it disappeared.

~~~Two days later~~~

It didn't take long to find where Duo was residing in when Heero found out that he really was on L2.  He wondered why Duo didn't make an attempt to leave the colony.  He dared to hope that what he said to him got through… he didn't want him to run away anymore.  He got up and went out, hoping to catch a glimpse of the American boy.

[kaau joi je gaai jung dang nei]  
(standing by the street waiting for you)

Heero waited patiently for Duo to come out of the store that he'd gone into, since he didn't want to chance an encounter just yet.  He peeked around the corner and sighed.  He really wanted to know what was wrong with the braided teen.  From his reaction before, he knew that despite what he said, he *was* avoiding him for whatever reason.

//But why?//  Heero didn't understand.  He glanced up and saw Duo come out and walk down the street.  Moving quickly, he followed him at a distance.

//Heero why did you have to come here?  I have no where else to go… I don't want to be hurt again.  Just leave me alone please…// Duo thought to himself as he walked faster seemingly trying to outrun the boy even though he knew he couldn't.  Turning a corner, he went for an all out sprint into the park where children and their parents were enjoying their day.

Heero ran to catch up.

[yiu yuen jeung mong chui nei bei hei]  
(looking afar following your happiness, your sadness)

//Seems like he comes here everyday// Heero thought as he saw a lot of the kids greet the braided boy with smiles and hugs.  Hiding behind a tree he saw the grin on Duo's face, even though his violet eyes didn't sparkle like how he remembered them.  Heero continued to watch him as he played with them under the eyes of their smiling parents.

Duo played with them nonstop for a couple of hours until they had to go home for lunch.  Waving goodbye to each of them, he got up and headed into the streets, almost melting into crowds.  Heero panicked and pushed his way through the busy midday streets, trying to spot the chestnut braid.

[si sin yan long jung jaau nei]  
(going everywhere trying to find you among the crowds of people)

Heero tried his hardest to follow him and had lost him many times within the sea of people.  After an hour of the cat-and-mouse chase, Duo finally returned to the park… and there he stayed.

The skies grew dark and Heero found himself wondering if he should confront Duo or not.  He looked up again and saw that the braided boy still hadn't moved from the park bench where he'd been sitting on for the past 3 hours.  Hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his mouth pressed into his folded hands, Duo seemed to be deep in thought and the cool night air didn't seem to bother him.  But Heero worried that he might get cold…  Biting his lip he slowly walked towards him, not wanting to alarm the other.

[haang kan ngoh yau pa ging dung nei]  
(By walking up to you I am afraid to upset you)

"Still here Heero?" Duo asked without looking up.

"You once told me that I was your best friend.  I'm just… trying not to disappoint you."  Heero stopped next to the other ex-pilot.  "May I sit?"  A half shrug was the response.  The Japanese sat as close as he dared and glanced at Duo in concern.

"Duo… why are you running away?"

"I told you before."  Heero grasped Duo's shoulder, forcing him to face him.

"You only said that I wouldn't understand.  Understand what?"  Duo only lowered his eyes as if contemplating whether or not to tell.  When he didn't reply, Heero let out an impatient growl and shook Duo slightly.

"Tell me Duo," Heero commanded.

"Stop it.  You wouldn't understand!" Duo struggled to free himself of the other's grip.  "Why do you want to know so badly anyway?"  Heero's eyes narrowed and decided that words weren't going to get them anywhere.  Tugging the braided teen close, he wrapped his arms around the other in an almost crushing embrace.  Violet eyes widened in surprise.

"This is why," Heero whispered.  "Duo… back to when we first worked together on that mission, you said that we could both go back home when the war was over.  For a long time after that, I didn't know what my home was or if I even had one.  But now I do."  He pulled away slightly to see Duo's face, still in shock.  His cobalt blue eyes softened as he cupped the other's cheek.

"Relena no longer needs my protection.  Now I can focus on other important things.  Please… let me stay with you?"

Duo was speechless.  He hadn't wanted it to be this way… and yet, he did.  He wanted to feel loved again and Heero was sure implying it.  Did he dare to hope?  Could he risk being hurt to be loved again?

"I… I'll think about it," he stammered out, stepping away before turning to run out of the park, leaving Heero behind.

Panting as he reached his house, Duo leaned against the brick wall to catch his breath.  He knew what his answer was even before Heero had asked the question.  He wanted to be with Heero for as long as time allowed them to be.  He knew that he could never say no to this chance… even though he was afraid.

[ngoh yau pa sam naan sei]  
(Also I am afraid my heart will not be able to rest)

~~~Early morning~~~

He lay awake in bed, listening to the falling rain outside.  The weather on colonies was always odd.  He didn't know the technicalities on how it worked but it seemed to precipitate at the oddest moments.  Unlike on Earth when you can guess it was going to rain by watching the forming black clouds; here it was more unexpected.  He used to love the rain for it helped him to sleep with its steady beat.  But now, with Heero's question weighing on his mind, sleep eluded him and probably would until he could give the unruly haired teen an answer.  He took a deep breath.

"Okay… here we go."

He got up and headed out the door into the rain, not bothering to search for an umbrella or his black jacket.  He wandered down the street to where Heero had found him the day before.  He knew that there was a hotel in the vicinity so he might as well check there… that is, if anyone was still awake.

He stood outside the hotel for a moment, the rain soaking into his clothing.  It was one of those "warm rains" that didn't leave you shivering and Duo was glad about that.  Now wasn't the time to get sick… not when there was a decision to be made that could affect the rest of his life.  It was now or never.  He went inside the silent hotel, vacant of human life at this hour.

He had no idea where to start searching for Heero and he didn't fancy sleeping on the uncomfortable looking couch in his wet clothes.  But somehow he knew that the other teen had sensed him coming.  After a moment, the silence was disrupted when he heard someone running down the stairs, the sound echoing throughout.  The door to the stairway opened and there stood Heero, like he'd expected.

He was breathing heavily and wearing a simple T-shirt and dark gray sweat pants that made him look like he'd just run a marathon nonstop.  He stepped forward almost cautiously.

"Duo?"  Duo brought his hand up and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Mind if we talk?" Heero nodded and led the dripping teen up the 5 flights of stairs to his room.  He gave a change of clothing to Duo, which consisted of the same gray sweat pants and a white long-sleeved shirt.  Duo went into the bathroom and dried up with the white towel that was there.  It was only when he wiped his face did he breath in Heero's scent lingering on the towel.  He lowered his eyes to the white material.

[laap ding kuet sam yi hau fan lei]  
[yat sang lui tau sui si ngoh dik sam jung jui mei]  
(I have made the decision from now on after we have separated)  
(that in my life, who will be the best in my heart)

Sighing softly Duo finished drying himself and changed before stepping out of the bathroom.  He looked around for the other teen but couldn't find him and ended up facing an empty room.  It was completely bare of furniture and no carpet to keep his feet from touching the cold wooden boards.  The braided teen walked over to the wide windowsill and sat down, staring out into the rain.  He nearly jumped when he felt Heero put his hand gently on his shoulder.

"Here." Heero smiled slightly in apology while handing him a cup of hot tea.

"Thanks…" Duo sipped it slowly before turning to glance at Heero who was standing patiently, waiting for him to say something.  He stared at the steaming cup, shifting it in his hands as he tried to find a way to say it without it actually coming out sounding pathetic.

"Well Heero… I was afraid.  And yes, it was of you in a sense."  He gave a slight shrug before continuing.  "Nothing in life is permanent… when you lose something that means a lot to you, it hurts.  Even more so when it's a person."  His grip on the cup tightened a bit.  "I just didn't want to be hurt again.  So I thought that it wouldn't if I lost you before I even had you."  He forced out a slight smile.  "I'm not making sense… Gomen."

Silence reigned over the room before Heero stepped forward.  Placing his left knee onto the soft cushions of the window seat, he gentle cupped Duo's face and turned it towards him.  He leaned in and sealed their lips together, no burning desire but a kiss to reassure.  The Japanese teen sighed inwardly when he felt the other's hand creep up to his nape.  When they finally parted, Heero smiled.

"I understand.  It may hurt when the time comes but… can I make you happy before that happens?"

Duo's jaw tightened as sudden tears sprang into his eyes.  He gave a short nod before he quickly set down his cup and found himself inside the warmth of Heero's arms.

[wong yat dik nei]  
(In the time to come, it is you.)

Owari 

(Please check out my xanga link in my FF.net BIO if you want to know about my fanfic status and upcoming ideas.)


End file.
